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Tag Archives: ratfella

Whitey Bulger

So now the FBI is taking out ads in medical and dental journals as part of its endless search for serial-killing mobster Whitey Bulger.

Good luck, G-men. But why concentrate on such a narrow spectrum? Should the cops overlook what the Tulsa Police Department described on its wanted posters as Whitey’s “extreme bad breath”?

Is there no such quarterly as the Halitosis Gazette?

And why is the FBI eschewing quarter-page display ads in magazines catering to nudist camps – a type of resort where Whitey is reportedly spending his golden years? At this point the feds have collected a host of photos that might provide yet more leads on the 80-year-old cocaine dealer and Catherine Greig, his silicone-enhanced post-menopausal bottle-blond moll-companion.

Let us peruse some photos that might provide a heads-up to citizens who have come into contact with Whitey and/or his breath.

1. Gay Whitey in cowboy hat photo. Lifelong member of the Judy Garland fan club, often broke into tears at Jacques when “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” came on the jukebox. Recently spotted in UK karaoke bars lip-synching such Village People standards as “YMCA” and “In the Navy.”

2. With goat. If you see Whitey snuggling up to a goat, don’t ask, don’t tell. Just call 911.

3. With parrot. Like his brother Billy, Whitey enjoys the company of sycophantic talking tropical birds. Whitey’s favorite parrots were “Zip” and “Kevin,” while Billy’s more obedient fowl included “Dukakis” and “the Globe.”

4. With black hair. Longtime user of Grecian Formula 44.

5. 1947 mug shot. Brylcreem, a little dab’ll do ya. All stateside drugstores should be on the lookout for anyone still buying greasy kids’ stuff.

6. 1953 mug shot with hat. The only word Whitey still remembers from his French class in reform school is “chapeau.”

7. White suit. Attention dry cleaners: Whitey has been charged with impersonating John Travolta.